Slipping away

These past few weeks/months has got me feeling that so many things are slipping away... time, memories, people... friends.

I am hurt but I continuously tell myself that I am at fault too. Well, I'm mostly at fault. With acceptance comes the self-reminder that I have to face the consequences of what happened/is happening. It doesn't make it less painful but it reminds me that I am a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.

PS: Hey I'm still alive. Tough times but will get thru it!

Happy 2017! :)

Hey, I am still alive! :)

I shall try to write here again.

Len

Kindness

It's 12:17am (local time in Jakarta) and I have to prepare for work in roughly 5 hours but I had to force myself to move out of the bed and spend a few minutes to write this entry. The reason for doing so is the same with my previous post, I want to put into writing what I feel right at this very moment.

Early this morning (or yesterday morning, August 12), the entire world was shocked with the news about Robin William's passing. What made it all the more shocking is the fact that he died from suicide which was brought by his depression. I have to admit though that apart from remembering him as a funny guy, I don't have much "recollection" of him nor any of his movie did not make any "impact" in my life. That is mostly because I didn't get to watch a lot of his films. (Yes, I googled all his films and started downloading yesterday. Dead Poets Society, down. A lot more to go.)

Having said that, I will not even attempt to use his movies as reference to this entry. What struck me the most is the fact that this person is a FUNNY MAN. A man WHO MAKES ALMOST (at least to those who know him) EVERYONE LAUGH. Who would have thought that behind the "happy face" lies a person who is suffering from depression? I have a friend who tried to explain to me what the person who suffers from depression really feels (she knows someone who suffered from depression who attempted to end her life). Honestly, aside from depression is an illness, I didn't understand much and I don't think I will ever fully understand (unless of course I suffer from it) the entirety of it all. As cliche as it may sound, the saying "don't judge a book by its cover" rings true.

I didn't give it much thought this morning because 1) I was so busy and 2) Robin Williams have no significance in my life whatsoever. However, before finally giving in to sleep tonight, thoughts about what happened to Robin suddenly popped in my head (Ok fine, it might have been the result of seeing so many posts about him on my facebook timeline.) I suddenly examined myself because well, I am a happy/energetic person. So I had to ask myself countless of times if I am sure that I am fine (yes, I am weird and crazy that way.) And myself answered, "Yes. I believe I am fine." (another weirder side). My thoughts then went to all those happy people  I am blessed to call as family or friends and also to those I've met along the way. Did I make sure to ask them at one point during our conversations and /or bonding moments of they are fine? Did I become too self-absorbed to forget to send a simple hi-how-are-you-are-you-doing-ok message to them?

Lastly, I told myself that it is about time to be mature and set aside my I-am-really-like-this-and-at-least-I-am-being-honest-and-showing-you-that-I-really-don't-like-you attitude and try to the best of my ability to be MORE KIND, MORE PATIENT, MORE TOLERANT and MORE ACCEPTING.  Each and everyone of us is fighting our own battles. We may never know what a simple how are you, a sweet smile, or a simple touch could mean to one person.

So Len, straighten your wrinkles that show irritation, offer a genuine smile and utter a simple "how are you?" !

My heart skipped a million times!

It's been so long! Hehehe! I've decided to write about this so I can remind myself of how exactly it feels like right at this very moment :)

It all started with a post that I've seen in my Facebook timeline about how it's not true that one should eat "heavy" breakfast. Since it sorta intrigued me (because I do not eat heavy breakfast, much to the frustration of my parents!) , I opened it and read it. (If you are interested, here is the link: Why a big breakfast can be unhealthy ). Needless to say, I was happy with the article (because it made me feel that I am doing the breakfast thingy right! hahaha!) and so I checked the author's profile. I am quite impressed (or should I say, that's exactly what I wanna do with my life. to copy the author's profile, Claire Madarang is a writer, traveler, and seeker. Her wanderlust takes her on adventures like backpacking for 7 weeks straight. Her seeking leads her to different wellness practices like meditation and healthy (mostly vegetarian) eating. ) Luckily, Claire has a blog site and included the link in her profile. And I opened it then BAM!

Browsing her page (and reading a post or two) made my heart skip not just a beat but a million beats! Hahaha! Just thinking about traveling (meeting new friends, being in a new environment, blankly staring in a beauty in front of you, not knowing what to expect the following day) over long periods of time made my heart so happy! And being the exaggerated (aka OA) person that I am, I almost cried (almost because my mother is beside me!hahaha!). And then I realized that this is what I want to do with my life. I think I haven't told anyone that I've been having this nagging feeling for the longest time. Sure my close friends know that I enjoy traveling a lot but I think I haven't told them just exactly how I feel like whenever I travel (maybe because even I myself can't seem to find enough and proper words to describe it). And so Claire's blog Traveling Light opened up a big wound (for the lack of better word) in my heart. I thought of maybe giving it a try this time. Then came all the questions like how I can possibly do this if I am a teacher? should I start enrolling in a writing class so I can learn how to write properly in the event that I make a travel blog to finance my traveling? and so on and so forth. But among all these questions, one thing is for sure, my heart leads me to this. I don't know when I can do it but I do hope and pray that I can do it the soonest.

So for blogs like Claire's who make me feel and think like this, thank you so much! I welcome it anytime! :)

PS: Could I could be experiencing the mid-life crisis? But wait, I think Im way past that since I will be turning 30 in a few months! Hehehe!)

Part I: Let's Talk about MONEY

If you are one of my friends whom I've bullied encouraged to read, you've been warned that you will be reading a novel. And thank you for that! That's what friends are for and In short essays and in long novels are really our mottos! :p

If you are reading this because it was shared to you by someone, you were forced by someone and/or you found this floating in the world wide web, I am warning you this early that this will be LOOOOONG BUT THIS (series) WILL BE WORTH IT! :)

I originally planned for this to be just ONE entry but when my fingers started typing, it was too late for me to realize that it was already too long and I haven't given the juiciest part yet! And so, this will be a SERIES! :)



source

I have written this entry not because I will pass for Forbes Top 100 richest people (not even Top 10million maybe) nor because I am trying to lure you into my networking business (though I have one, this will be the first and the last time that I will mention the N word in this entry). The main reason is plain and simple: I want to share something that may have a big impact on other people (because it certainly had a big impact on me).

Money is one of the topics that is considered taboo in our culture. We will never have the guts to ask even our close friends questions related to money like, "How much do you earn?" , "How much savings do you have in the bank?" or even "How do you manage your money?". Consequently, our parents will try to the best of their abilities to shield us from any financial woes that they may be experiencing. Yes, we may feel that the cash flow is a bit tight because we don't go shopping every week anymore but they will never verbalize the problem for as long as they can. I am not saying that not talking about it is wrong and that we should go asking anyone we met about their financial status. In my opinion, that tense feeling and you-can-almost-hear-the-dropping-needle-because-it-is-so-quiet environment every time money pops up in the conversation is mainly due to the fact that we are so not used to talking about it therefore, we think it is impolite to talk about it.

I belong to the middle class and I earn relatively higher than others (mostly because I am an OFW thus I do not need to pay taxes in my home country). However, in my almost 29 years of existence and almost 8 years of working full time (including my 2 years and counting as an OFW), I was not very happy with the state of my finances when I started seriously looking into it a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining nor asking for pity because like what I said, I am sure that I have more savings than some 29 year old people that I know. My unhappiness comes not from having "less" money but from having "less" money because of financial illiteracy. According to http://www.financialliteracy.gov.au/, financial literacy is about understanding money and finances and being able to confidently apply that knowledge to make effective decisions. 

source

Almost a year and a half ago when things started to get a little more "stable", I also started looking into the state of my finances. And it was such a mess! For someone who is good in Math (at least in Arithmetic and Algebra, hahaha), I felt ashamed that I had no idea where my earnings went! :(  That day marked my "enlightment" about my finances.

I will share some personal things to give you an idea as to where I am coming / came from:

1) I am supporting my family. I am not saying this because I want to brag about it but because it is the truth. For the longest time that I am working, I spent bulk of what I earn to support my family. Looking back, I had no idea how I managed to do what I did. Praise God for His grace and provision.

2) It took me awhile to stop being an enabler. I first heard the term "enabler" when I was crying my heart out to a friend because I felt that I am already being financially and emotionally "abused" and he (that's the beauty of having guy friends, they give you direct to the point responses!) said that maybe it already became a cycle because I am an enabler. Meaning, in one way or another, I enabled them to be so dependent on me.

3) I started learning how to set boundaries. This proved to be very useful. It was hard at first because I was so used to giving in to their requests. I used to say generous but now I realized that it was not generosity, it was partly being an enabler and partly being stupid :D  Because of my "generosity", my problem with credit card  also started around this time.

4) I experienced receiving "calls" from a credit company because of my late/non payments. This credit card company called me 2-3 times only at my work place but I did not want to deal with that kind of stress (and shame) so I paid my credit card in full and asked them to close the account! That was when I learn to be scared with the misuse of credit cards because I experienced it first hand. Their calls at my work place was so horrific (and they were not even harassing me yet!) that I do not want to experience them again EVER.

5) I left my previous work in Manila (a few months before I flew to Jakarta) with negative finances. Yes, negative! Meaning, I had no savings in the bank and worse, I even left debt in my previous employer. I had no idea exactly as to how that happened but I am suspecting that the culprits were as stated above in (1) and and my love for travel. I was so blessed to have friends and family who helped me with my negative finances particularly because I am flying to a foreign country without any money in my pocket!

How did I survive?! What happened?! I will let you know anytime in the series (kung san ko maisipang isingit! hahaha!)

I do not regret the experiences I mentioned above because the lessons that I learned from them made me who I am today. I am surprised that those things happened to me but more importantly, the fact that I was able to weather the storm was a clear testament of God's providence.

My "enlightenment" about the state of my finances did not stop just from realizing that I've messed up (thank God!) but I started to educate myself about how to properly manage my finances. Contrary to what most people believe, my old self included, managing one's finances is not only for rich people. We should ALL learn and educate ourselves on how to manage our finances well.

These are the things that I did (and some of them, I am still doing) to educate myself and "untangle" my messed-up finances:

1) I started buying and reading books about money / managing finances. Those "business and/or finances" aisles in the bookstore that my old self NEVER visited are now my must-visit aisles. I do not feel guilty when buying books because I refer to books as my "personal investments". I also do not feel bored when reading books about money anymore :D Like what they said, you need to attract what you want to happen in your life.
PS: If an e-book works for you, then that is fine. I personally prefer investing on hardcopies because I am envisioning that these books will be placed in my future library for my future kids to read and learn from :)

2) Research, research and research. I did not only invest on books but I also invested time in researching particularly reading blogs that are very generous in discussing money matters. Try to google and you will be surprised to know that there are a lot of blogs in the web that are very generous with information. But of course, do not believe everything that you read. Remember to cross-reference (are all your references saying the same thing or is he the only one saying otherwise?) and that most scenarios are case-to-case basis.

3) Set reasonable goals. When I say reasonable, do not put 99% of your monthly salary as your target savings for the month. Yes, let us dream big but let us not forget that we cannot change things overnight. Just like a baby learning how to work for the first time, we need to take baby steps first. Just to let you know, I failed miserably the first year because I set too high expectations! But I am moving forward now :)

4) Start with what you can. When Alex and I discussed the state of our finances, we talked about where to start given the money that we have. I am very lucky that Alex is financially literate and continues to educate himself about handling finances.

So there you go, you now know how financially messed up I was (buti na lang past tense na! naks!)

Coming Up: very good tips I got from the book I've read

PS: This post was just "parked" in my draft folder since September 7 :)

Book 3 of 30: Bossypants by Tina Fey

One Two words: Sarcastically FUNNY.

I will be honest and say that all I know about Tina Fey is that she "impersonates" Sarah Palin in SNL. I haven't even watched an entire show of SNL (I know, I know) and the only episode that I've watched is JT's dick in a box because Alex kept laughing hard while telling me about it and was able to convince me to watch the said episode in youtube (and if you are wondering, yes, I laughed so hard after watching the video). So when I saw my well-read friend's list of books that she is recommending for me to read, I was quite surprised to see this book because I had no idea that Tina has already written a book. I even asked her about it and she said that she is HIGHLY recommending it so needless to say, this book made it to my list :)

If you are the type of person who judges the book by its cover, you will not be accused
of wrongly judging this book! (Ooops, sorry for the background :D )

This book was a very light read and really, really funny! Proof is that I've finished reading it in just a few days. Finishing a book in "just a few days" says a lot about how I've enjoyed it. In my kind of profession where TONS (and I mean TONS) of paperwork are waiting to be prepared, read and checked, I must have enjoyed a book for it to lure me to finish it before my pile of work :)

 

The book is a collection of autobiographical essays and will give you a glimpse of Tina's ups and downs. However, I never felt that she was being proud or boastful of her achievements nor feeling pitiful in her down moments because she was able to write things in a sarcastically funny way :) This may sound ridiculous but since I was so used with laughing, I expected that I will laugh at every line that she wrote. Thus, the result was I overanalyzed on some very few parts when she was actually serious! Hahaha!  :D The other disadvantage (for me at least) is that since the book was mostly written in the context of the western setting, I am quite sure that I missed the "inside jokes" on some people, events and/or places mentioned. There has got to be something funny in there! :D

 

My favorite part would be the one of the very very few "serious" moments in the book (well, serious compare to the other parts!) when she discussed about:

 

 

I've watched quite a few Improv shows (courtesy of my friend whose boyfriend is part of SPIT/ Silly People's Improv Theater) and their humor is way, way, way different and far from the numerous funny shows (ex. Vice Ganda shows) that are popular in the local television now. I was amazed with how these people (from Improv) think. One has to be quick, witty, smart and funny (but not in a slapstick-y way) to be able to survive in an Improv show. It actually made me think of participating in one of their workshops to develop my personality (who knows I might join them once I've finally mustered enough courage and guts). Just imagine facing an audience without memorizing a script because the flow of the show will depend on the audience responses! Whew! :) The rules of improvisation seen in the photo does not only apply to improvisation but to life as well. In a world where being right equates to being powerful, it is becoming difficult to say YES because we always want to prove our point (myself included) by negating someone else's point. Got my point? Haha! :D

 

Don't we just love funny people?

 

Being funny is the new sexy!

 

Now, how do I become funny? :p

 

You will see this in all my books because years from now
these labels will make me smile and remember good
things :)

 

 

 

 

  

Book 2 of 30: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Finally!!! After the easy breezy first book on my list came the medyo nakaka-nosebleed na second book! :D I actually planned it like that. I mean if you check my list you will notice that the books are quite diverse in genre. Some books are classic, some are "light", others inspirational or "religious". I want the "light" books to give me the break in between reading the "heavy" ones :)

Whoever recommended this book must be secretly mad at me! Aba e una, sobrang kapal at liliit ng sulat ha! Pangalawa, I had to consult my dictionary (thank God that I have the electronic one so I don't have to carry a thick dictionary around!) from time to time  for words that I don't know! :D

I will not even attempt to summarize most especially analyze and/or do a book review for the fear of misinterpretation. Like what I said in my entry about Book 1, I believe that each person has his own interpretation of the book that he reads. The highlights for me may not necessarily be the highlights for other people. The "scenes" that left a mark on me may just be usual scenes for other readers.

In a nutshell, I would say that Anna Karenina is a story about love (moral or immoral), religion and one's ability/desire to analyze and understand things, among others. Since reading for me is an escape and an opportunity to have a "field trip", this book brought me to the different part of the globe and on a totally different timeline at that (days when carriage/horses are still used as mode of transportation!). The book also left me questioning, analyzing and challenging my views on the important aspects of my life.

I now know why this is considered a classic.

PS:
I would rather not give you even the gist of the story.
Aba noh, basahin nyo rin ang 940 pages na font 9 ata
para bawi bawi lang! :p

NEXT BOOK: Something light.... Bossy Pants by Tina Fey